Ways to mend a broken heart!

What every self help blog ever written should say,

Have a broken heart?

1. Find the ETIOLOGY:

You got dumped: there are a billion reasons, you are fugly, you are clingy, you want to get married on your 2nd date, you are a lousy kisser, you cheat on him with his best friend and are a horrible liar.

Very rarely you have a genetic condition called the curse of the black heart.

2. The PATHOPHYSIOLOGY of a broken heart:

just when you think your life is a Jenifer Aniston movie(no the guy is not Ashton Kutcher and at your best you look like Nikki Minaj without make up) the break up catches you off guard(obviously you couldn’t see the signs like him never calling you back or slamming the door in your face when you go over to find out why).

You cry. In your head you think you look like a helpless mongrel, but all everyone sees is a zombie from Resident Evil.

Your friends try to help but they have a life(boyfriends/girlfriends) even the tramps have their friday nights. And you? The TV the couch and that tub of Chocolate ice cream(non fat? You think?!) All you can think of is dying alone. You wait for him to come back. Sometimes you stalk the poor thing, and get a restraining order.

You forget to feed your cat(of course you are a cat person) she runs away and finds a new home(a sex life).

Your waistline is growing and your apartment looks like a crime scene.

3. INVESIGATIONS:
look at yourself in the mirror, if it cracks your condition is serious you will need surgery.

check your weight anything above 80 pounds could be fatal.

If you are anything under a 36 D(no wonder you are reading self help blogs)

4. DIAGNOSIS: a broken heart.

5. COMPLICATIONS:
being single for life(very real threat if condition not treated immediately)

Ending up as one of the step sisters when all your life you thought you were cinderella.

Oprah asking you how you managed to be so repulsive in an exclusive.

6.TREATMENT:

If Bridget Jones could find Mark Dassy, you can at least find a new cat.

Get plastic surgery and those *will make you a super model overnight* loubs(who needs a BRAIN?!)

Keep doing the walk of shame it might just work! One night stands=
True love.

And always remember the way to a man’s heart IS through your vagina. Don’t let anyone(your mom) tell you otherwise.

The REEL love story

For me love stories are forever. Some of them are from Jane Austen novels and some from the movies. This post is about my favorite actor who reminds me of the magic in romance, and why it will never work for me!
When I watch Audrey Hepburn movies, I want to…..

Find the right english gentleman
ME: I washed me face and hands before I come I did.
HE(slouches): where the devil are my slippers?
(If only there was a man who loved me even after I promptly threw ‘them slippers’ at him in an estrogen fueled rage!)

Go to the bar just to use the best pickup line ever “I don’t bite you know … unless it’s called for,”(how would I know it worked? If I woke up alone next morning in a strange apartment with a nasty hangover)

Write a diary and start the first entry with
“When I finally say I love you to any man and really mean it, it will be like a defeated general who’s lost all his troops, surrendering and handing his sword to the enemy.” (And follow that up with pages of conquests that will put my ‘oh-so-slutty’ girlfriends to shame)

Go to a ball and look disdainful so no one would know its my first! And end up dancing with my Prince Andre. (But Mom!! So what if he is a widower and old enough to be my dad? He is a very hot Russian)

Be a real phony. Own a cat just so I could call her “cat you poor no name slob” (all that just so I could fall in love with a ‘can barely earn enough to get a cracker-jack ring engraved at Tiffany’s’ writer)

Get high on phonetics(who needs weed?!) and dance to ‘the rain in spain stays mainly in the plain’ in the middle of the night!

Sing ‘I can do without you’ in the shower without it sounding like something Miley Cyrus would twerk to.

Sneak out in the middle of the night and pretend I am Princess Ann from the Roman Holiday! Fall in love with a beautiful stranger. Look at those who don’t approve(Mom) and say, “Were I not entirely aware of my duty to my family and my country, I would not have come back tonight… or indeed ever again!”(Yeah you heard me! Wait a minute, did I give up on my perfect love story just to see the look on my Mom’s face? How damaged am I?)

And yes…. dream in black and white (because to say I dream in color is like saying I dream I am in bed with Justin Bieber every single night)