Is it too much to ask?

Because stereotypes.

Is it too much to ask that you put down the new edition of vogue and pick up a real book (I know Hugo will be gibberish to you but I think we can start with Austen)

Maybe Marilyn is your hero, but is it too much to ask for you to give She Hulk a chance? (Green and smart what’s not to like?)

Yes we know she is wearing an ugly dress and slept with a dozen guys in a week. But is it too much to ask that you don’t judge and let her be? (Then again, gossip feeds your size 0 body. I wouldn’t want you to starve.)

I admire your confidence and your sense of style. But is it too much to ask for you to stop asking me if I want a makeover? (Bitch please. My sweater vest is vintage)

If your boyfriend physically abuses you is it too much to ask that you find your voice and make a stand? (Because if you can’t get a happy ending there sure is no hope for me)

When you are 40 and single is it too much to ask that you stop throwing yourself at every man you meet? (And in case you are in that place and wondering what to do with your life; I am always low on perpetually horny study subjects)

Is it too much to ask that you understand the real difference between a Ursula and Ariel is not in appearance but in spirit. (Although you have one on me. You figured out good girl gone bad makes the frat boys drool)

The brain is not an ornament on display. Is it too much to ask that you use it? (But then again, You would if you could)

There are so many questions unanswered. So many ideas. So many thoughts. Is it too much to ask that you find some answers? (No! How skinny you can get without dying is not what I meant!)

IMG_1983.JPG

Advertisements

The clown in your rodeo

If you were a story I would be your tragic ending.
If you were a dream I would be the girl crawling out of a well.
If you were a poem I would be the word you can never rhyme.
If you were a full moons night I would be your werewolf.
If you were a car I would be your speed-bump.
If you were a starship I would be a Sith Lord.
If you were a bottle of scotch I would be the 7-up.
If you were time I would be a wormhole.
If you were insane I would be the hallucination.
If you were a tree I would be the chainsaw.
If you were Othello I would be the dagger.
If you were a rockstar I would be your cocaine.

But if you were a rodeo I would be your clown.

IMG_1750.JPG

The limbo called 23

Well obviously this my kind of 23.

Tea is what you love in the morning but that occasional coffee helps you get over nasty hangovers.

You are will-spill/drop-anything-you-are-holding-when-you-see-an-attractive-guy kind of awkward.

You guffaw or groan and roll eyes every time people talk of love. While secretly wishing you had a fairy godmother.

You have Beethoven on the gramophone and a glass of wine kind of evenings. But the ones you love most are when you dance in your pajamas, singing(in a voice that puts the coyotes to shame) into your hairbrush.

You binge watch tv series when you are depressed (that is most of the time) and knit cat clothes. But when you are happy they will find you at the local bar trying to drown yourself in alcohol.

People you grew up with have spouses-kids-RingsThatWillPutSauronToShame. You have scrabble with the computer and a basement bedroom.

Well sometimes you go and order that Long Island and do the walk of shame. But more often than not weekends are reading Shakespeare to your cat.

High school stereotypes don’t apply anymore. You were the geek-with-glasses-and-ugly-sweaters now you are called a sociopath (suck it miss-prom-queen-who-is-with-her-fifth-husband-at-tiffanys). Yeah….No, high school never ends soccer mom/ miss pretty in Prada will always be the Bellatrix Lestrange to your Hermione.

You know you will end up socialising with balding men in tweed suits and women who make you wish feminism never happened.

And the closest thing to sex is watching rat EEGs while they are at it. But there is that thesis on a gene in the drosophila fly that controls its desire to copulate (does that counts as foreplay?)

Twenty three is when you unravel the mysteries of life. It is that time when you finally accept that there are no mermaids or Loch Ness monsters or Yetis. You will never find Asgard and Thor will never find you. You know the mysteries are those of loneliness, love, companionship, loss and what helps you unravel all that. You gain true wisdom and enlightenment from those moments with your head in a toilet seat because you still can’t hold your drink. That is what 23 is all about.

IMG_1590.JPG

Little Women

Yes I am a feminist. No I don’t wear hipster clothes.

EVERY woman cares about the way she looks (if you don’t you never got laid, never will)

Men are shallow but here is the truth most women are too. There is nothing bad about wanting to look good (imagine katy perry from last friday night before she got all yum trying to strip in a club. No can do.)

But when the pretty on the outside gets fugly on the inside? Enough botox ladies, did you not know your best ‘asset’ will always be your heart(unless you are Beyonce! No guy would care if she had a black heart!)

I have a problem with so many things women are supposed to love,

Fairy tales. A prince riding on a horse comes to rescue me whilst I am dressed in rags. I tried that by the street one day, he was in his Maserati. Our eyes met, I thought we had a moment seconds later I was covered in mud.

Bikinis. Well that is one reason every girl ends up crying on weekends. Baywatch you ruined being fat for me.

Sex in the city. Every woman is a cougar? Will let you know when I hit menopause.

Moon lit walks with the man I love. Sheesh. If I loved him walking isn’t what I would want to do.

Tequila….. Whiskey please.

Super heroes. Sure Thor, Batman, even Superman(rolls eyes). Rich men or Gods or Superman(rolls eyes)…. Pushing it?

True love over one night stands. Its not just a skank reflex, every girl dreams of the no strings attached. Estrogen does work a lot like testosterone.

World peace. I hate most women I know. Give me the missile codes and there will be blood.

Shoes. Of course I love wearing those break my back pair of heels. And yes the diamonds make them SO much more comfortable.

Hummus. Gave that to my dog she gave me her bitch you crazy look.

So ladies if you want to stop being treated like a piece of ass instead of an actual human being all you have to say is,
Yes I am a straight woman in a bar. No I don’t want to see your dick. Yes, I am sure.

A medical student

You know you are a med student when,

When you see patients that move and talk, you are dreaming, or your text book somehow turned into Tom Riddle’s diary.

There are some who say they don’t have time for serious relationships. But they secretly loathe their colleagues who go through more relationships than all the years of med school.

You are the only people who are knee deep in debt before you get your first paycheck.

When you sing in the bathroom more often than not it is some silly mnemonic that’s stuck in your head.

You have been through severe depression at least once during all those years in med school.

If medicine were a religion, you would be a fanatic.

You have watched all the tv medical shows ever aired(yes including days of our lives) rolled your eyes at the ridiculous notion of hot doctors, tried figuring out the cases(you are either clueless or wrong!).

Doctors by Erich Segal is not just a book. It is your life.

If you have read ‘the doctor on the boil/ doctor in the nude/ doctor on the brain or any other doctor book by Richard Gordon, you what I am talking about when I say I have never laughed harder!

You can’t remember the last time you were out partying on a friday night. And even if you pretend like you have a life(deep down inside you know you are a nerd, now and evermore)

Your worst nightmare is graduating and having to treat real patients. That said, you want to get out of med school as desperately as you wanted to get in!

The dating heirarchy in the medical world

Walking through the hospital hallways, scenes from Grey’s Anatomy play in my head in slow motion.
Maybe surgeons in real life aren’t insanely hot but they sure do spend a lot of time in the on call room!(Even Shonda Rhimes needs inspiration!)

1. The hot female interns sleep with their attending on the very first day, and pretend they didn’t know who he was(even if it is the truth, no one wants to look desperate)

2.What of the not so hot female interns? They get cats, mostly!

3. The lower the neckline of a scrub nurse the more marriages she has ended.

4. What if you are married to a surgeon and getting old (like a scalpel)? Might as well find your self a new person(or a cat) because your husband/wife have to upgrade to a skinny resident(a cryoprobe!). Nothing personal.

5. Paramedics!! Universal rule: they are ALWAYS hot! More like the firemen of the medical world!

6. Med students? They are invisible to almost everyone in the hospital. They are those poor grubs who spend their time fantasizing about the resident they occasionally get a glimpse of through the zillion backs blocking their view.

7. Patients! I don’t know where all those ‘even a doctor can’t keep his hands off’ kind of patients come from?!

8. A ring clipped to the scrubs means ‘I am available, that’s just a fashion choice!’

9. Even the ones who are cursed(never to find love) find that person they want to spend eternity with(of course only after failed marriages, wired relationships with patients/nurses/residents, and more often than not questioning their sexual orientation!)

10. So a hospital is like a jungle, there are rules, but they are mostly ignored!

A surgeon’s spirit

A general surgeon- Country liquor… Its cheap, easy to find, gives you a hell of a high(or so I have heard).

Obstetrician- Champagne… No matter what you had to go through to get to the top(in this case get the baby out) its worth it. Every. Single. Time!

Gynecologist- Beer. Why? ‘You assumed we remove uteruses so we like tequila?’

Pediatrics- Surgery on little people. Sometime their crying is unbearable, so give them a little gin from your bottle(only if mother’s love doesn’t work) and you are in fairyland again(No judging. But what did you think those cough syrups were made of?)

Ortho- Whiskey, because its a men’s world darlings! And even the few(can’t stress this enough) women in this world would reply to ‘Bourbon neat?’ with ‘fill her up!’

Neuro- What do you take me for? I went to med school! Mixing alcohol with neuro? Preposterous! Have you no morals?

Plastics- Bring out the wine… They know all about aging gracefully (at least the experienced/skilled ones do). The new just suck(ask Cher I think she has met a few!)

Cardio- Vodka, like the Russians, its close to their hearts!

Urosurgeons- Rum, it takes a pirate’s drink to stay sane when you know you do prostate exams for a living!