Little Women

Yes I am a feminist. No I don’t wear hipster clothes.

EVERY woman cares about the way she looks (if you don’t you never got laid, never will)

Men are shallow but here is the truth most women are too. There is nothing bad about wanting to look good (imagine katy perry from last friday night before she got all yum trying to strip in a club. No can do.)

But when the pretty on the outside gets fugly on the inside? Enough botox ladies, did you not know your best ‘asset’ will always be your heart(unless you are Beyonce! No guy would care if she had a black heart!)

I have a problem with so many things women are supposed to love,

Fairy tales. A prince riding on a horse comes to rescue me whilst I am dressed in rags. I tried that by the street one day, he was in his Maserati. Our eyes met, I thought we had a moment seconds later I was covered in mud.

Bikinis. Well that is one reason every girl ends up crying on weekends. Baywatch you ruined being fat for me.

Sex in the city. Every woman is a cougar? Will let you know when I hit menopause.

Moon lit walks with the man I love. Sheesh. If I loved him walking isn’t what I would want to do.

Tequila….. Whiskey please.

Super heroes. Sure Thor, Batman, even Superman(rolls eyes). Rich men or Gods or Superman(rolls eyes)…. Pushing it?

True love over one night stands. Its not just a skank reflex, every girl dreams of the no strings attached. Estrogen does work a lot like testosterone.

World peace. I hate most women I know. Give me the missile codes and there will be blood.

Shoes. Of course I love wearing those break my back pair of heels. And yes the diamonds make them SO much more comfortable.

Hummus. Gave that to my dog she gave me her bitch you crazy look.

So ladies if you want to stop being treated like a piece of ass instead of an actual human being all you have to say is,
Yes I am a straight woman in a bar. No I don’t want to see your dick. Yes, I am sure.

Ways to mend a broken heart!

What every self help blog ever written should say,

Have a broken heart?

1. Find the ETIOLOGY:

You got dumped: there are a billion reasons, you are fugly, you are clingy, you want to get married on your 2nd date, you are a lousy kisser, you cheat on him with his best friend and are a horrible liar.

Very rarely you have a genetic condition called the curse of the black heart.

2. The PATHOPHYSIOLOGY of a broken heart:

just when you think your life is a Jenifer Aniston movie(no the guy is not Ashton Kutcher and at your best you look like Nikki Minaj without make up) the break up catches you off guard(obviously you couldn’t see the signs like him never calling you back or slamming the door in your face when you go over to find out why).

You cry. In your head you think you look like a helpless mongrel, but all everyone sees is a zombie from Resident Evil.

Your friends try to help but they have a life(boyfriends/girlfriends) even the tramps have their friday nights. And you? The TV the couch and that tub of Chocolate ice cream(non fat? You think?!) All you can think of is dying alone. You wait for him to come back. Sometimes you stalk the poor thing, and get a restraining order.

You forget to feed your cat(of course you are a cat person) she runs away and finds a new home(a sex life).

Your waistline is growing and your apartment looks like a crime scene.

3. INVESIGATIONS:
look at yourself in the mirror, if it cracks your condition is serious you will need surgery.

check your weight anything above 80 pounds could be fatal.

If you are anything under a 36 D(no wonder you are reading self help blogs)

4. DIAGNOSIS: a broken heart.

5. COMPLICATIONS:
being single for life(very real threat if condition not treated immediately)

Ending up as one of the step sisters when all your life you thought you were cinderella.

Oprah asking you how you managed to be so repulsive in an exclusive.

6.TREATMENT:

If Bridget Jones could find Mark Dassy, you can at least find a new cat.

Get plastic surgery and those *will make you a super model overnight* loubs(who needs a BRAIN?!)

Keep doing the walk of shame it might just work! One night stands=
True love.

And always remember the way to a man’s heart IS through your vagina. Don’t let anyone(your mom) tell you otherwise.